


atrophy

by yijeong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depressive themes, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, i guess?, lapslock, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 20:44:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18630952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yijeong/pseuds/yijeong
Summary: donghyuck is different than haechan.donghyuck is the faltering sun.donghyuck is tired and weak and scared and uncertain.lee donghyuck is fat.





	atrophy

**Author's Note:**

> title is a song by the antlers
> 
> m back on my self-projecting bs, don't read if you think it might trigger you 
> 
> i'm not implying donghyuck has/had an eating disorder, this is jst fiction :^

haechan is the brightest star.

haechan is talented and funny and pretty and energetic. he’s brighter than the sun, he has a contagious personality that makes it hard to be sad. he has powerful, angelic vocals that melt hearts and a shining smile that feels like a bullet to the heart when it’s flashed. he has sharp, perfected dance skills with motions as smooth as water, and confidence so strong that even the harshest comments couldn’t make it waver.

haechan is a simply false persona, worn as easily as a mask, contrived to display false confidence and pleasure found within the life of stardom.

donghyuck is different than haechan.

donghyuck is the faltering sun.

donghyuck is tired and weak and scared and uncertain. he has a light that’s been dimmed by the world around him, he’s quiet to the world around him. he hates the way he can’t hit the notes right the first time and thinks that his face squishes together too much when he smiles. he thinks he can afford to lose another kilo (or five) and he thinks that he looks too clumsy and awkward when he runs through choreographies at 3 in the morning. he scrolls through naver late at night and let’s each hateful comment tear him apart like red-hot knives through his flesh.

 

it’s only 5 am, donghyuck notes as he squints against the harsh light of his phone screen in a too dark room. he counts to ten and takes a deep breath, and forces exhausted limbs to push himself out of bed and walks on tiptoe, quieter than a field mouse, past jaehyun’s sleeping form and out the room. he flattens himself against the wall, palms flat against the smooth surface when he starts to feel a little dizzy, and counts to ten again before creeping to the doorway.

he ties his shoes and scans the empty living space with wide eyes and just like that, slips out of the dorms and into the outside world, body on autopilot with the directions to the company practice rooms engraved into his brain the same way the numbers on the scale (always too high) were.

the first empty practice room he finds is the one he makes his temporary refuge in, feeling an unsettling calmness wash over his body in gentle waves as he shuts the door behind him. he momentarily thinks about locking it but decides against it as he flicks the lights on.

familiarity is good.

empty practice rooms at early morning hours are familiar, they’re routine, and they’re safe. empty practice rooms don’t store scary temptations (like food) or reminders of his most unattractive feature (the scale), it holds constant motivations (the huge wall mirror) and privacy.

so practice rooms are good, and he knows that when he plugs his phone to the speakers and presses play on the music app. the melodies of nct’s songs flow throughout the room, and donghyuck takes place, center stage, and counts to ten once more before letting muscle memory take over.

he’s too painfully aware of every ache buried within each muscle and the way his empty stomach lurched in protest, and ignores the way dizziness makes him stumble and the icy chill that won’t leave his bones.

he’s just practicing perfection, and if practice is what makes perfect, then perfect is what will be practiced.

two run throughs of the playlist and he’s sweating even though his doesn’t feel warm, and he stumbles awkwardly to the corner of the practice room where the mini-fridge of water bottles makes its home. he takes a cold bottle and slumps against the mirror, legs shaking from the effort of keeping him upright.

donghyuck’s mind supplies him with the information that his legs were shaking from having to carry all of his weight, not the more logical fact that he was too overworked with too little energy. the cap twists open with a loud crack and he tips his head back as he gulps it down greedily, relishing in the way he could feel it travel down his throat and splash around inside an empty stomach.

this was a good sign.

it’s nearly 8 am by the time he makes his way back to the dorms, each step harder than it should be. by the time he’s at the door his body is trembling again and his heart is fluttering faster than normally. he feels it beating too hard in his throat and swallows uncomfortably as he unlocks the door, twisting the knob with effort and stepping inside.

he didn’t expect to see taeil and jaehyun watching the entryway from the couches.

jaehyun looked both exhausted and restless at the same time, his hair in disarray as his right leg shook up and down more times than donghyuck’s mind could keep count of. an empty cup of what was presumably coffee still sat in it’s prison between the older’s hands, who seemed to be clutching it a little too tightly.

the eldest of the three looked more put together, an unreadable expression on his face as he stared right into donghyuck’s eyes, hands folded on his lap.

when he didn’t look away, donghyuck pried his gaze away and cleared his throat uncomfortably, kicking off his shoes. anxiety started to creep through his veins and he counted to ten once more, and again, and again.

“where were you?”

it was taeil, voice steady as he asked the obvious. 

“jaehyun woke me up and told me you were gone. he said this isn’t the first time it’s happened.”

donghyuck shifted his weight from foot to foot, hands clenching into small fists by his side as fingernails dug into his palms.

“i was at the practice rooms, hyung. we’re so close to debuting our comeback, y’know? i just wanted to polish up my part of the choreography,” the half-lie slid easily past his lips as he forced himself to meet taeil’s gaze again, “i really didn’t mean to worry jaehyun hyung, i apologize,”

he watched the way jaehyun’s shoulders slumped a bit more, the way his grip loosened on the coffee cup, knuckles no longer white, “tell someone next time, you can’t keep disappearing so early and sneaking back in,”

“of course, i’ll remember to do that next time,” donghyuck gave a quick bow to the two, and before any more words could be spoken into the air that suddenly became too thick, he scurried back into his shared room, pressing flat against the closed door in similar fashion to earlier.

his pulse still felt too fast and the unease in his veins didn’t rest even when he was back in the familiarity of the shared room, this time the comforting surroundings felt suffocating and he had to get out and away. he didn’t like the way he felt dread in his gut and as quickly as he entered, he exited and hurried down the hallway.

two doors down, past the bathroom, to the left at the end of the hallway.

donghyuck never knocked before entering the room, quietly making his way in and to his destination, a place that felt more like home than anywhere else in his life has, to a person that makes more sense than anything else ever will.

“mark,” 

voice barely that of a whisper, he slides under the covers onto the firm mattress next to the older boy, hands ghosting over his sleeping form, hesitant to touch and wake up and receive the comfort he desperately needs.

“hey, wake up,”

a little louder now, cold (skinny) hands settling on the upper arm of his companion and shaking slightly once, and then twice, with a pause before repeating.

the boy, now slowly waking up, hummed lowly and shifted onto his back, ribcage rising and falling with a heavy sigh. he turned to his right side to face the younger with tired eyes, something resembling a smile forming on his lips.

donghyuck didn’t need to say anything, he never did, the look in his eyes always enough for mark to understand. he liked the form of silent communication they shared just between the two of them, he liked the way he never had to voice his wants and needs because they were always understood.

mark mumbled a small “c’mere” as he slung an arm across the donghyuck’s waist as the mentioned boy tucked himself under mark’s chin, nestling in the space between and making himself at home, feeling his anxiety melt away at the simple touches.

he listened to the way the older’s heart beat at a more steady rhythm than his own did, and his was hyper aware of the hand rubbing his back, sliding over each bump of protruding bone. donghyuck inhaled deeply, liking the way mark smelled comfortingly of vanilla and something else, and he couldn’t help but cuddle closer into the warmth of the other as much as he could.

donghyuck liked the way mark felt like home.


End file.
